sometimes you thought a little time off might help but it doesnt
it just made things worst.
but at least thank you for telling me to stop dreaming
because all along i was dreaming alone.
but i realised it too late coz im so caught up in our dream that i thought you were in it too.
unfortunately you dont.
you had your mind set but i was left in the dark.

my dream is dead. its a bleak ending.

im not okay. of course im not.
but i will be.

i have to be.

a lifetime of secrets 9:09 PM

What is it with life that makes you happy and sad all at the same time
Making you choose A but wanting B concurrently
Deciding that that was the best of choice then regret almost immediately

Instead of questioning faith, have faith that the solution will present itself.

Having two jobs distracts me from a lot of things. A lot of things that wouldve played with my mind had i been free. But then those late night train rides make my thoughts clearer than ever. Like dropping an empty can in a quiet dark room. Deafening sometimes.

The reason why im back to plug in on my iPod, to distract my thoughts. then those songs come along. Songs that speak to you, that carries memories, that relates.

If my decision was a bad one? Is it a bad one?

Time will tell but how long? How far?
Will something come by soon?

Pray - they said.
Pray.

Pray - i have been.

But.....where's the answer?

It will come - they said.

It shall come - i believe,

a lifetime of secrets 4:35 PM

a lifetime of secrets 10:37 PM

ive been spending time with alot of (different) people recently and im kinda glad i did because these people gave me new perspective to life - friends, career, life, marriage.

started with a talk with karrr about settling down. given the type of person she is, it can be pretty hard to believe that she is married. she's very much like me so her views on the decision to settle down is kinda in sync with me.

then came the late night with the RTA gang, seeing how hazlin and faisal is. how karrr and khai is. it makes me review my thoughts of settling down. not that they are bad example. theyre perfectly great in my eyes. how they complement AND compliment each other, the way they are with each other. it amazes me.

then came the car-talk with kak mal. that makes me think of everything else. an epiphany.
then you start questioning a lot of things. for someone who has gone through a fair bit, settled down, have two kids, i thought it was good advice. but is it good advice if it makes you doubt so many things? depends on how you look at it.
the pros is that, it makes me want to better things. spend more time, more effort. the sentences that struck me was "are you in love or are you just very comfortable with each other", "marriage is a long process. it is a big deal. lay down the rules from day one. you wont have time to talk amidst your busy day. so you need that one 'talk over coffee' to settle things around day."
the cons? it made me doubt myself more than ever. doubt so many things. losing faith in what i thought i was once fully certain of.

these friends didn't mean to bring you down. they didnt mean to dampen your hopes/spirits.
not if you try to look at things in a different perspective. accept whatever they said with an open mind. only then will you be able to turn their words into lessons and positivity, for the betterment of yourself. and most probably, your partner too.

a lifetime of secrets 9:11 PM

i hate how im having my period and im free

like free to sit on my bed and listen to music and syiok sendiri and have all sorts of thoughts running through.

id rather be occupied until im sleepy.
//

kinda losing interest in hockey. it may be the people or it may just be me. or the fact that floorball has always been my first love. id rather turn up for floorball than hockey. perhaps the crazy company i have for floorball makes it all the more worth it. or because for the first time the two is clashing, making me compare the two.
//

hanging out with hazlin, karr and idah alot lately makes me realise that the friends you become close with along the way are just perfectly random. the three people ive never thought would be hanging out together over prata and funny stories of our past.

ive never been too attached to people. probably hostel-life has taught me people were never meant to stay.

i really love their company though. non-stop laughter expected.

i think i need to watch a movie. to neutralise my thoughts.

a lifetime of secrets 8:37 PM

ive always wondered where do all our used sanitary napkins go to.

surprisingly, google did not give me the answer i am looking for.

or perhaps i did not read enough.

but don't you find it mysterious where all these Rental (that blue bin always found in cubicles) dump those soiled pads.

off to Googleland. maybe i need to refine my search.

a lifetime of secrets 9:57 PM

why double standards?
why is it that the boys can and the ladies can't?
theres no favouritism, everyones equal then why boys can and ladies can't?

so what if the boys go to army. we women are busy working too.
we are not having a damn good time partying while they are serving the nation.
they are catered lunch in camp, barely do anything but attend lectures and light duties.
why the extra care and concern?
it's unfair. indeed.

they can stay out late but not us ladies, why?
"because other people talk"
who the damn hell cares what they wanna say. by all means go ahead.
so what, girls go home late and they ask "why does your daughter come home late?"
doesn't it apply to guys too as to why they are home late?
why can they stay out late and ladies get questioned for doing the same thing?
who the hell are you to even question why we are home late? Are you the watchman?

why is it ok for boys to smoke and the ladies can't because "you are a lady". that in itself doesn't justify your stand as to why a lady can't smoke.
i don't recall seeing a pack that states "For Men". last I checked, perfumes soaps shavers have those, not cigarette boxes.
because if a lady smokes, their lungs rot but it's okay for the men?
oh, right, maybe coz you care. and they boys can die for all that nicotine that goes in for all you care?
cigarettes cause the same harm men or women. so why men can and women can't?

I have not looked at myself any lower than what a man can do.
I have not let a man feel like they can do things better than I because you can't.
we are equal. i will never make you feel needed. because i don't. I don't need you.
I am not an island on my own, but I can work without you.
I am good. You just make me better.

why do people generalise?

im tired of hearing such gender-bias statements
be it from parents, friends, colleagues, whoever.
we are in 2016 for goodness sake. open up your minds.

Keep your mouth close and let your eyes listen!

a lifetime of secrets 7:27 PM